It’s Not A Phase, Mom
Some would say I've gone through many evolutions
Confession: I envy people who went through “phases.” I’m jealous of those who can look back at their old pictures and see how ridiculous (read: iconic) their old wardrobe was. People scoff those who follow trends, but I think there’s something about a person who fully leans into the style of an era that’s pretty cool, at least when looking at it in retrospect. Sometimes I wish I’d delved into a particular style more when I was younger. In fact, I wish I had a more distinct personal style now so that I could look back on it later in life.
But of course not all phases are external, or pertaining to style. So…here are some phases I had:
1) My slam poetry phase. There is something about slam poetry that seems oddly seductive to a lot of us (just me? okay) in our early twenties. I don’t want to fully brush off the art now, because clearly it helped me at times, and one time I met one of my favorite poets and she signed a her book for me which was super cool. But I can’t say that I enjoy sitting through even one slam poem now, even when I’m watching it on YouTube.
2) The brief phase when I wanted to go to journalism school. Then I did a journalism job and realized you’re not supposed to have opinions. Not political ones anyway, and not publicly. Of course that’s painting the industry with a broad brush, but when you’re starting out in the industry as some nobody, you’re supposed to interview people in an unbiased way that I just don’t think I was put on this Earth to do.
3) The band kid phase in high school. Self-explanatory.
4) The phase when I tried to turn everything into a personal essay to pitch somewhere (This is a Substack, it’s different!). To be fair, I think a large portion of the web media world went through this phase. I remember someone telling me that a lot of young women were sort of “thrown to the wolves” when they wrote personal essays for the internet, and I kind of agree. This isn’t to say that people shouldn’t be criticized for their words, but some publications used to push writers to put out very personal content, and/or to word their content in a sensationalized way for clicks. So naturally, the writers would get attacked for choices that either weren’t theirs, or that a publication should have gently coaxed them away from. I’m glad a lot of my pitches weren’t accepted.
5) The phase where I thought I wanted to get an MFA. Girl, stop trying to make a grad degree happen!
6) My fashion blogger phase. This one was pretty short-lived. As I said, I’m not great at tapping into my own style. It just sadly doesn’t seem like something I’m ever going to get into, but never say never. On the other hand…
7) My beauty content creator phase. Okay, this was much more of a real thing and I will always love the Zola who made makeup content. I fully understand that makeup is a thing that society pressures us to wear, but I do think I was having fun with it! Still, I acknowledge that being a person who wears makeup all the time made me afraid to go in public without it. I think the pandemic kind of snapped me out of that. Now I go in public without makeup all the time. I mean this not as a “pick me” statement, but as a fact. I’ll admit that I do still feel more attractive wearing makeup, but why wouldn’t I? I mean, what is makeup supposed to do, make me ugly? If that perspective makes me shallow, that’s okay because I still have plenty of time to get more actualized or whatever. I’m only 30 after all.
8) The not-perfect-but-mostly-happy phase that I’m in now. Yeah, yeah, I had to be wholesome.
Thanks everyone for reading and stay warm!
XOXO,
Zola